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Kalank Movie Review Theatre More Pardesiya – Nahi Padharo Piya!

Kalank Movie Review Rating: 1/5 Stars (One star! & I’m being ‘too’ generous here)

Star Cast: Varun Dhawan, Alia Bhatt, Aditya Roy Kapur, Sonakshi Sinha, Sanjay Dutt, Madhuri Dixit-Nene, Kunal Kemmu, Kiara Advani & still there’s not a single frame without cringe!

Director: Abhishek Varman

What’s Good: If you’re opting to watch this, you have a good 166 minutes to decide what you’re doing with your life!

What’s Bad: Some people will buy the grandness and rush to the theatres, but alas, the days of watching a YRF movie just to drool over Switzerland are long gone!

Loo Break: Challenge yourself by controlling the tsunami of frustrated emotions for 166 minutes! Don’t think of a break this time. If you’re in, you deserve it

Watch or Not?: Don’t even if the visuals attract you! Just skip it and save yourself of some hard-hitting dramatic torture

User Rating:

Set in 1946 in Husnabad which is apparently close to Lahore in the Dharma-world (but in reality, it’s in Telangana), and we can see snow-clad mountains as Zafar (Varun Dhawan) plays the sport of Bullfighting in Spanish-style. Roop (Alia Bhatt) while running after a falling kite starts dancing with the villagers and complains about how hard it was to catch the kite. Satya (Sonakshi Sinha) is dying because of a fatal disease and wants Roop to marry her husband Dev (Aditya Roy Kapur), because why not?

Roop agrees because she has two ‘unmarried’ sisters and her father will not be able to ‘take care’ of them alone. Don’t underestimate Roop! She also has some demands to stay in Dev’s castle after getting married to him and being his second wife – she wants to learn singing from a brothel owner Bahar Begum (Madhuri Dixit). Balraj Chaudhry (Sanjay Dutt) is head of the house and does nothing apart from doing nothing. All of these ingredients mix together to make that thing which our mothers warned not to take from strangers on the road.

Kalank Movie Review: Script Analysis

The script was conceptualised by late Mr Yash Johar 15 years ago and even for that time, all of this is very naive and boring. You’re asking a girl to marry a husband of another dying lady and then get the girl to complain that “Aapke pati toh sirf aapse pyaar karte hai” (Of course girl!). Lousy screenplay can’t make up to stunning visuals! It doesn’t matter how good you look if you are saying shit. I know the movie is set in 1946, but still you can’t use dialogues such as “Kala azeem hai, keemat nahi lagayi jaa sakti” OR “Hum iss guftugu se thak gaye hai” – hum bhi aisi movies se thak gaye hai! (You hear me?).

No matter how much I try to talk about the amazing cinematography (by the master Vinod Pradhan), the ghosts of appalling narration are still haunting me. The editing is so bad because the editor (Shweta Venkat Mathew) forgot to delete the entire movie. I very much enjoyed the “Sab kuch acha tha, lekin tambaaku ne sab barbaad kar diya” (Tobacco) ad in the interval. Alia’s character asks towards the end – “Aapne is kahaani mein kya dekha?” (What did you see in this story?) – I saw a few rich brats coming together and burning millions on screen.

Kalank Movie Review: Star Performance

Varun Dhawan, the man with the 100% of track record at the box office, sleepwalks as Zafar. Why you do this Varun? He slurs his dialogues because they’re way too weird to speak for a normal millennial. Though he tries to carry the film solo on his shoulders, he gets some help from Alia Bhatt. She is the best actress of the current slot and I’ve no two thoughts about the same. But, Kalank is not something you do to portray your talent! (Remember Suits? One for me, one for the organisation) This is not something Alia will do for herself, for sure.

Aditya Roy Kapur gets a very easy role of being on the sets, wear some clothes that royals would wear and deliver some comparatively easy dialogues. Yes, he gets a scene in which he gets to do his favourite thing – drinking alcohol but still he can’t match his talent. Sonakshi Sinha and Sanjay Dutt are ignored throughout as they get minimal screentime (which is a kind of a relief too! We couldn’t afford more than 166 minutes for this film).

Madhuri Dixit’s character is very artificial! She tries to cover the flaws with her grace but nothing works. Kunal Kemmu and Kiara Advani are good in their extended cameos. Kunal gets more screentime than Sanjay Dutt & Sonakshi Sinha.

Kalank Movie Review: Direction, Music

Abhishek Varman, the man behind 2 States, the man who gave us one of the best rom-coms of this generation comes up with Kalank. No major complaints about his work but he was doing what he was ‘directed’ too. The dialogue writer Hussain Dalal has penned lines for movies like Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani and 2 States, hence we got “Aakho ki kashish ko palko ke aitraar (I might be wrong for this word) se chupaane ki koshish na kare…”

Two songs in the first 15 minutes and you know what you’re getting into. First Class, the title track and Kriti Sanon’s presence in Aira Gaira work well. Background score is the only takeaway for me from the film.

Kalank Movie Review: The Last Word

All said and done, Kalank is surely not from those “kuch daag” which are good. It’s a skid mark on every actor’s filmography associated with the movie. Stuns visually & that’s about it! Me to Karan Johar after this: Peeche dekho, peeche toh dekho (Baahubali).

One star! Kalank Movie Trailer

Kalank Movie releases on 17th April , 2018. Share with us your experience of watching Kalank Movie .